The Leap Years.

Today, at 4.30pm:

The chance I gave myself that week, didn't fall through. That weekend was more than great. There's really no way to measure it. Although it sounds nothing like it now, but really, it was Awesome. I had all intentions to share my joy, but it seems that modes have changed, yet again.

I am inconsistent, and that annoys me.

Well, I spent 29 February with special people, Joy and Xue Ting, watching The Leap Years. (After all, it comes once every 4 years right?) With little bits of awkward silences and distant hearts, we tried to bridge the gaps. Most of the time, some things just don't change though. And that's good enough.

Although magazines and newpapers rated the movie rather horribly, it turned out otherwise. It's the kind of show I'd go for, so there. I liked it - It was completely local, in a rather sophisticated way. I loved how they made Corrinne May the majority of their soundtrack. The instrumentals blew me away. And it is probable that I didn't fall in love with the storyline, I fell in love with the gist of the movie. The entire show felt special, all credit going to portrayal. I'd say that it was the best local production I've watched so far.

I watched it again with Nicky, Abby and Hui Ting :)

Well, I realised that without the God-given inspiration to write, I am incapable of writing. Maybe that explains why I don't update as often as others do. I've attempted many times to churn out entries, but attempts always fall through.

There are so many things on my heart, but yet, I lack the courage to speak. I'm extra careful, too careful at times. And maybe it is an issue about trust. Then again, it might be that I can't find right moments to share or people I trust enough to share with. Or maybe, I've run back into my shell, refusing to come out, once again.

I've become hermit - I barely socialize and I don't speak unless approached. My friends must have been left wondering, where am I? I'm here, and always have been too. Somehow, there's a distance that has grown and keeps growing. It feels strange not talking to people whom I hold close to my heart. Then I have impressions that tell me they don't need me, and that stops me from trying altogether. Call it wild imagination, but when pangs of these come with reality, you figure that it wasn't imagination to begin with. It's not rejection, neither is it resistance. It just, is.

I'm sorry, in all the ways I should be. But I don't quite know what else to do. Whatever's in reach and feasible? Or perhaps, I'll wait. I'll have to learn. I'll have to start, talking. I've already let a friend down. I don't want to do it again. I guess the introvert in me resulted in the lack of actions, which could've meant something to people around me.

Disputes have happened in school and it has become pointless to even try, to salvage things. I wasn't angry, just extremely disappointed at how unfeeling you were when you despised and hurled insults at us girls. Aren't guys supposed to be gentlemanly and the very least, sensitive? I trusted you enough to know better since you're older but you proved me wrong, so wrong.

I am ashamed of myself, for not having enough courage to set things straight from the very beginning. But I stand proud knowing that I didn't fall prey to the Devil.

Imperfections bring out the worst of the imperfections that lie within us. I speak for myself too.

At this point, I can stop and conclude that I. Am. A. Sad. Person.

If our arms were reaching out,
If our words could only bridge the doubt.

But, I'm not stopping here. Because simple joys come by, to save me from falling into pits. I don't take any bit of pleasure or pride being a frog-ette.

Opportunities to embarrass my brother (hee), times where Nicky does the strangest, most disgusting things and times that we laugh at how ridiculously funny radio DJs can be - (Whines). And there are the times we have our secret talks about our secrets. The loud exclaimations and the comfort of being the little kids that we were in front of each other beats doing anything else.

Bottom line is, it's good to have my brother back in the house. After all, the army has robbed me of having a crazy boy at home for 2 years! So yes, I love having you home Kor :) There, I said it. I hope you're grinning from ear to ear now!

Dinner at the table as a family is therapy for my soul every night. Family holds me together. And I'm going to take comfort in that as I go through a very challenging March.

I'll put up a good fight this month - Failure isn't an option? Tertiary studies isn't all that easy. Although my timetable comes across as relaxing, it really isn't, because what is expected, goes beyond.

At the end of the day, I am; Still, not my own.

Later that night, at 10.30pm:

I found myself today
Oh, I found myself and ran away
But something pulled me back,
Voice of reason I forgot I had.

God works in ways, we truly cannot see. The dispute that happened earlier today, has amazingly been resolved. I hope it isn't a case of split personality. Okay, no doubting, no. Thank God for bringing me through yet another lesson that I never managed to learn. I keep making the same old mistakes, but that just means one thing. I'm still growing :)

All I know is yesterday is gone,
And right now I belong;
To this moment, to my dreams.

I read and heard that, your eyes are windows to your soul. But I think that our words are windows to our hearts. Of course, Faith without action is dead too. Our words and actions can hurt, influence, move, impact, affect and change. Don't you dare underestimate who you are, and who you can be.

This song never fails to warm my heart, even though it is considered a secular song.

So I won't give up,
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around.
And I will be strong,
Even if it all goes wrong.
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
Someone's watching over me.

It doesn't matter what people say,
It doesn't matter how long it takes.
Believe in yourself and you'll find.
It only matters how true you are,
Be true to yourself and follow your heart.

God, thank You for being the meaning and purpose of today. I want to make You my centre stage again tomorrow. And the day, week, month and year after too :)

How could I possibly be a S.ad person now?

This goes out to the very friend whom I hurt: I won't stop encouraging you. I won't hestitate to drop you a message. I don't know how else I can show you that you're not alone, but I'm doing all these for one purpose and one only - To show you that you're precious in God's sight, and He didn't bring all this pain for no odd reason. I told you and I'll tell you again, I'll be soaking you in prayer. I pray that you'll get back on your spiritual feet, on the firm conviction you used to hold close to your heart. You're still chicky, buddy Tan to me. I don't care if your perspective of me has changed, I'm not doing this for my sake. If things go wrong, don't go with them. Never, never, never.. give up. And for that, I won't give up on you too, you hear?